Plan B

Part of human nature is the desire to have some control, to make decisions and achieve the planned outcome.  I also believe that another part of human nature is impatience.  I don't know about you, but those are issues I struggle with every day.  I am flexible and I don't have to be the boss, but as humans, I think the desire for a degree of control (of ourselves) and impatience is innate.  

On my desk at work I used to have a framed quote on my desk.  It said "God answers all prayers.  Sometimes He says "yes".  Sometimes He says "no".  Sometimes he says "are you crazy?" 

I will admit that some of the things I wanted to have control over in my lifetime have not gone the way I really wanted them to go.  In the past my husband and I have had serious stress in our marriage.  Neither of us either discussed divorce.  However, if I had had an easy way out, I would have jumped ship somedays.  I am sure I asked God for "less" of my real life.  I wanted a break-- a degree of freedom that I had not had in years.  I wanted to make choices for ME.  I wanted to do what I wanted to do.  Even if it was just temporary.  When our children were little, I didn't want my life to revolve around working and the responsibilites of being a parent 24 hours a day.  I have always loved my children but I was burned out to the point where if God had given me the option of an open door, I would have walked through it.  I would have lost everything if I had.  God did not give me an open door.  He said "no".  And really, I did not handle it very well.  It took me many years to get over His answer.  It has been a lesson in patience and trust.  Now I am at a point in my life that His answer that seemed to hurt makes complete sense and was perfect.

Again, I am at a point in my life where I have less control than probably ever before.  I have always been a very industrious person.  I was raised to work hard and to "kick the wolf off the porch everyday" as my dad would say.  Taking a break isn't something I have a done a lot of in my life.  Letting myself put my feet up is not easy.  I want my house to be clean and it isn't.  I want to have energy at the end of the day and I don't.

My body is not following directions very well these days.  It's hard for me to get up in the morning.  My muscles hurt.  Once I get going I seem to be okay for a few hours.  By lunch time I start to feel the pain.  I learned a new word today.  "lancinate"  To stab, pierce or lacerate.  It is feeling I have from my neck to my feet at random times throughout the day.  By 4:00 I could almost cry.  If I can get in bed by 6:00 I am alright and I can start over tomorrow.  That's not the life I would ask for if I could control things.  In a way I am back where I was when our kids were little.  My life is definitely being contolled by things bigger than me.  My plan A has turned into His plan.

So instead of wanting to jump ship I am going to rely on what I have learned from previous experience.  I am going to rely on God because even though I don't know if there is a light at the end of this tunnel, I know in time His plan makes perfect sense and is perfect.  It's not easy, but I trust in it.  I really do.

I know a song, Take My World... part of the lyrics go "I lay at Your feet these things I hold, it's easy to believe, but hard to let go.  Be my center, guide my hand, I surrender all that I am." 

I think they apply.

God bless.