Belief

I have had a glass of wine on an empty stomach so bear with me here.  :)

This week I have really been challenged to realize what is true and what is belief.  I have had several important times in my life when people did not believe what I told them.  When the kids were babies, there were times that doctors doubted me when I told them what was wrong with Ryan or what Ryan needed to get better.  If anyone knew what he needed, it was me.  If I had not stood up for myself and for him he would not be healthy today. 

In my personal life I have also had to stand up for myself when people doubted me.  I don't know why, but I have.  If people would have listened to me in the first place, and believed me, then those problems would not have grown.  I put my reputation and myself on the line and I think that is enough. I am not perfect, but I am reliable and honest.  As my cousin Mary Lisa said "Lara, you do not have to defend yourself to ME.  I know you."  Thank you ML for saying that.  Those words were a huge relief to me.  Maybe they were the most important words anyone ever said to me.  It was like a weight was off my shoulders. 

This week my neurologist told me that he thinks I am imagining my "new symptoms" ever since I found out about this cyst in my spinal cord.  He is not being mean, but he is telling me what he thinks.  I told him he is wrong.  From the first time I first saw him about my arm hurting and the time I saw my first MRI, 6 to 8 weeks went by.  During that time I did have new serious symptoms and I told several people about my new symptoms.  I remember my feet cramping and my hands feeling like they were bruised.  I remember waiting in the car while Julia practiced for the Nutcracker (in Pampa) and I slept in the car (even though it was 10 degrees outside) because I was so tired.  I told my doctor exactly that but it did not seem to matter to him.  He is frustrated and I am frustrated because we can't find an easy answer.  That's okay, but don't doubt me.  I am honest and I know when it feels like someone has kicked me in the rear end with a work boot or a hot axe is pressing up against my shoulder blades.  The feeling may last 10 to 30 seconds but I know what I feel and I know it is real. When my feet feel like they weigh 20 pounds each in the morning when I wake up, it is real.  They may feel "normal" once I am up and about, but initially, I know they are not normal

If I could wave a magic wand, I would jump out of bed and be fine everyday.  The doctor may not believe that is true, but I know it is true.  I believe in myself and I should.  I am reliable and honest.  And when others haven't had my back, I know God does and that is all I need.  So don't go there.