Finger Story

I During one of my last weeks at Caprock HS, I had come in at noon because I did not feel well.  As soon as I walked in my office, I noticed a plant that one of my co-workers had left on my desk, along with a note. For some reason I started to cry and I went to find one of my friends so I could just talk to someone who knew me well and knew what all I was going through.  Seeing the plant and note on my desk made me really realize I was going.  Not staying.  My brain knew I was going but my heart did not know. My friend and I talked and then I went back to my office feeling a little better, but darn it!  I had left my laptop computer at home!  I would have to turn around, go back home to get it, to get any work done.  And I did not feel well, UGH!  Are you kidding?  It's the last thing I feel I can do.  But I go outside and head to my car anyway to run home. 

At the same time I am walking out, a teacher is walking out of another building also headed to the parking lot.  Mr. Pennington had left his lunch at home and was going to get something to eat.  99% of the time he brings his lunch, so me running into him at that time was serendipitous.  He caught up with me and said he wanted to talk to me about my illness.  He knew I had recently submitted my resignation.  God put him there to unknowingly encourage me on a bad day.

He said that a few years ago he had accidentally cut off the top of one of his fingers when he had taken his son fishing.  He was able to get the top of his finger and take it with him to the hospital.  The doctor had told him there was no point on reattaching the missing digit because it would just rot and fall off.  Russ (Mr. Pennington) told the doctor he wanted it back on anyway and they could just see what would happen.  He and his family prayed intently for his finger and underneath the dead fingertop, a new finger was growing.  He showed me his hand and it looked fine.  He told me that just because a doctor told me that my disorder will not get better, it can.  He encouraged me to continue to pray for healing and he would pray for me, too.

I got in my car so I could hurry home and get my laptop and was so thankful to hear that story.  It made me smile and I was encouraged.  I feel God put us both in an unusual place at an unusual time to boost my spirits after crying in the library.  God surrounded me with encouragement during those last few weeks at work.  What a gift.---so that is my finger story.  I like it.  I think about it frequently because it's simple and it's meaningful.  Also, I will mention that Russ was selected as Amarillo ISD's secondary teacher of the year.  Wow. I'm sure that the encouragement he gave me and the words of the Lord he spoke over me are also in his heart when he is the classroom.

One of my doctors told me that I was probably born with this condition (syringomyelia and myelomalacia) and I have just aged enough for it to start bothering me.  Now that some time has passed since he told me that, I think he was absolutely right.  There have been times when I was under a ton of stress at work or home and I would become someone I didn't even know.  I would shut down and avoid as much as possible to avoid pain.  It probably started surfacing about 10 years ago and it has just ramped up.  About 5 years I started to avoid the holidays as much as possible.  A few years ago, Julia and I were flying to South Carolina and had a lay over in Houston.  I found a huge cushy chair and told my daughter to wake me up in an hour because I was exhausted.  Never in my life would I leave her alone and do that under normal circumstances, but I could not stay awake.   I would immediately fall back to sleep on the airplane.  On fun trips with my co-workers, I could not keep up with them because of fatigue.  I have always felt kind of guilty for these kinds of things. 

I still wish I could do what I did 20 years ago, but now I know why I could not over the past 10 years. 

By the way, today I accepted a job with Fellowship of Christian Athletes.  It is about 10 hours a  week.  It is 25% of what I used to work but I feel it's all I can do.  I'm excited to be a part of this ministry.  When I took my ACE job, I feel that God put the pieces together for that to happen and that's also I how I feel in this situation.  I am blessed.  All of the time.

Mr. Carter, this one is for you.  :) 

Life's Work

I was sitting at my neurologist's office this week waiting for my appointment and I picked up a copy of a magazine on the table.  It was some type of medical publication for the layman.  Michael J. Fox is on the cover.  Who doesn't like Michael J. Fox?  Everyone loves him so of course I wanted to see what the story was about knowing it would be something related to his fight against Parkinson's.

When I read magazines, I skim, fast.  I get the idea and I move on quickly.  I'm like most people in my generation, we want the main idea and we want it quickly.  We are the microwave generation.  One thing did catch my eye in the article...it was a quote that said "I had to give up my day job to do my life's work".

That is significant coming from someone like MJF.  His day job made him famous.  He is a terrific actor.  If he was on TV today, I would watch.  I think he would still be a very successful actor if he still wanted to do that.  He could probably pick his roles and name his price.  Not many people can do that.

He was diagnosed with Parkinson's at an unusually young age.  At some point he decided it would be his life's work to work for the cause of fighting Parkinson's rather than be a famous actor.  "Life's Work".  What does that mean?  Is it something we plan?  Is it something we want?  Is it something we must do out of duty?  Is it a calling?  Do we have control over our life's work?  What if we don't do our life's work?  What price do we pay for doing it?  For not doing it?  Those are the types of questions I want to ask.  Not that there are specific or correct answers.

About 2 weeks ago I was in Dallas at the University of Texas Southwest Medical School.  One of the top doctors in the nation in cervical spine neurosurgery is looking at me.  He tells me that he is looking over my records and MRI results and tells me not only do I have a cyst or tumor in my spinal cord (cervical syringomelia) but I also have another diagnosis that explains my more unusual symptoms.  I have myelomalacia.  If you look it up on the internet you are going to think I have a death sentence because it is a bad diagnosis.  However, I only have this condition in a very small area and it is not fatal for me.  Myelomalacia means that my spinal cord is softening or bleeding or there is a lack of blood supply to that area of my spinal cord.  A lot of people think something is wrong with my spine.  It is my spinal cord, connected to my brain.  And it is about 2 inches below my brain.  That's why it can't be fixed or it is extremely dangerous to try to fix anything in that area.  Myelomalacia can not be cured and there is no surgery that will correct it.  I will have to manage the symptoms with medicine the rest of my life.  It can get worse but it will never improve because it the damage is permanent.  It is a very rare diagnosis and we don't know why I have this condition.

The symptoms have increased over the past few months and I can not work full time anymore.  My body will not allow me.  My day used to be filled with A, B, C, D and E.  Now I can pick 2 of those things and consider my day done.  My day job is being compromised even though I don't want it to be.  Graciously, my employer is helping me through this difficult time.  I work from noon until 4:30 or so then I go home and take care of a few family things and go to bed.  Right now my body won't allow me to get up early enough to get to work by 8:00 and get going.  It is a slow process for me in the morning.  Thankfully, my children are old enough to take care of basic things on their own and my husband and parents have gone above and beyond to help me.  I also have friends that are helping me with things like carpooling, etc... Thankfully.

I have always taken pride in my ability and my work.  Not pride like "I'm the best" but satisfaction from working hard and doing a good job.  Now I can do about 1/2 of that.  Wait a minute.  That wasn't supposed to happen.  Once again, I am going through some major personal life changes.  God, what do you have in mind for me?  I think God wants me to re-evaluate my day job and let go.  Not to completely let go, but maybe there is something else I am supposed to be doing or focusing on.  Maybe it's not about me.  Or maybe God's purpose for me is completely different now.  I will do what he wants me to do.  No question.

What is ironic about all of this and my condition is that for many years I have had a fear of losing my abilities, my physical abilities and my mental abilities, and that is exactly what is happening.  I have some short term memory issues.  Like tonight I put toast in the toaster and put up the bread then turned around and got the bread to put in the toaster.  I had no memory of putting the toast in the toaster to begin with.  I have noticed these subtle changes for about 2 years but just attributed them to being a busy person.  I think it is really more than that.  It is my health interfering with my memory, slightly.  My physical symptoms are getting in the way of my normal routine, too.  Sometimes it feels like my arms are constricting or my hip bones are on fire.  You name it, it will hurt in someway at sometime.

I'm okay with it though. I'm okay with all of it.  In all things, give praise to the LORD.  "If that's what it takes to praise you, Jesus bring the rain".  My only hope is that this does not become a fatal condition for me and that I live to see my children grow up and become adults.  Other than that, I don't care if I can walk or talk. I also hope is that during this process my children and husband realize I am doing all I can for them and that I love them more than ever every day.

So my day job, yes I love it and I hope to keep working.  My life's work... to be determined.

1st Thessalonians 5:16-18

Rejoice always; pray without ceasing; in everything give thanks; for this is God's will for you in Christ Jesus.

Love you all.

Thanks for reading.

Heart in the Sand

I have been thinking about this blog for a long time.  I don't want it to come across as negative or sad because that is not my intent.  It is about faith and trust.  Real faith.  Real trust.  When the rubber hits the road.

It was mid January, just about 2 months ago.  I had found out I have this cyst in my spinal cord and I was scheduled for a spinal tap on Monday, January 16th.  It was Friday, the 13th actually, and I could not take Motrin like I was used to for my pain.  I had to switch to Tylenol due to my upcoming spinal tap.  I quickly found out that Tylenol did not help one bit.  By Friday on my way home from work I was in tears due to the pain.  I walked in my house at 4:30 and I was already bawling. I hurried to my room and locked the door and just cried and cried.  The kids hollered at me through the door and asked if I was okay and asked if they needed to call daddy.  

I was crying for my pain and for my future that I was not going to have.  This pain that sometimes feels like knives is not anything I had ever fathomed for my future.  I have plans.  You know?  I have a lot to do.  I am young.  We have 3 fifteen year olds and we are busy.  I want to get my doctorate some day.  I need to clean my house.  At that moment in the pain I basically considered my life over for all intent and purposes.  I wasn't ready for that.  That's what made me cry.  

Well who is ready for that... no one is ready for that.  In 2 days it will be one year since my cousin's husband died at age 40 of a sudden heart attack.  She hurried home when she realized something was wrong and had to administer CPR.  They have a 5 year old.  Eric wasn't ready for his life to be over.  No way.  He was an avid golfer, an astronomer, enjoyed a good beer and loved his family as much as anyone possibly could.  Lee Anne wasn't ready for his life to be over.  Neither of them had one moment's notice.  Lee Anne did not know their different account numbers, passwords... If Eric had had one day's notice he would have written that down for her.  He would have done a lot of things.  I am sure he had hopes and goals for his life, for Lee Anne, for Rustin.  

I've gotten my pain about 50% under control. I have about 50% of my life, my regular thing.  I am the lucky one.  I have some time to think about "what if?"  That is a gift.  To be really awake and really ponder life.  I have been reading a book Wolf Hall by Hilary Mantel.  It is about King Henry VIII and his advisors.  There is a religious advisor, the all powerful Cardinal Woolsey.  In the book there is a line "Woolsey can't imagine a world without Woolsey".  I think we can all relate to that.  Maybe we should think about it and appreciate it.  

Hopefully in a few weeks after I see my new doctor in Dallas the percentages of my life will improve.  I'm praying they will.  Either way, in the past few months I have come to accept a few things.  1.  Whether I am ready or not, I am ready.  My house may not be clean.  I may be young.  But I am good to go.  I know where I am headed.  2.  My future dreams may not come true, but my dreams are in front of me and I am blessed. 3.  We are like hearts in the sand.

What else is there in life?  Where the rubber meets the road, to be ready. To be thankful from the bottom of your heart and to say it was all good as it could be.   

18 things, part one...dedicated to M.A.N. and J.B.C.

 

Several months ago, maybe even a year ago, I don't know for sure, a dear long time friend of me gave me an opportunity of a lifetime.  She asked me (and her other good friends) to write a letter to her daughter who was becoming a teenager.  She asked that the letter include encouragement and advice about growing up and the life that is ahead.  I told my friend that I was honored.  I told her I would do it but I needed to think about it for a long time before I could do it.  She said that was fine.  I needed time to think "If I could only say one thing to this young lady, what do I say?"  Words are precious and powerful and I need to get them right.  I have prayed about it for a very long time and through circumstance I was given this idea.  This is how I should do it.  I am going to write 18 things I wish I had known (understood) when I was 18.  This is not my original idea but God told me this is what I was supposed to do for M. 

I love you, M.  And I love your mom, dearly.
This is also written for my daugher, Julia, who is 1/3 of my world.  I can't believe I have such a glorious daughter.

Here are 18 things I want to tell you, part 1.  Part 2 and Part 3 will follow.

1.  Good people make mistakes, even very big mistakes.  Good people will hurt you and you may hurt them.  When a person makes a mistake it may be because they don't know what else to do and they are grasping at straws.  Maybe they have been asking for help and no one will listen.  Maybe they are afraid to ask for help.  You may be at that point in your life sometime where you make a big mistake and you will need grace.  You will be thankful for it.  Be grace to those who make mistakes and are really trying to do the right thing.  And if you hurt someone, it is very, very important that you tell them "I'm sorry" (be sincere and say it to their face if possible).  Don't assume they know you are sorry.

2.  Sometimes you have to stand up for yourself.  The world is a funny place.  I am an idealist and the world is a difficult place for an idealist.  I try to be honest and hard working.  I tell the truth and what you see is what you get.  Other people will be the same.  And then there are others who will not.  Sometimes behind the scenes there are agendas and behavior that are not honest and good.  Sometimes people will manipulate a situation to their benefit, rather than the benefit of the greater good or what is "right".  It may be risky and it may push boundaries, but sometimes you have to say "Wait a minute.  That is not right."  If you have lived your life in a way people respect, then people will probably listen.  They may not, but you will know that you tried. You may have to walk away but I think it is important to stand up for yourself, what is right and what is important. 

3.  Material things really don't mean much.  It is important to have a home and the basics in life but having more and better material things really doesn't matter.  When you are a teenager if may seem like those things are important. Many adults think those things are very important.  Think of Ariel in "The Little Mermaid" and her collections of gadgets and gizmos.  They are shiny and unique and really useless.  Invest your money, energy, time and heart in things that matter.  Repeat.

4.  Boys.  When I was a teenager it was popular to have a steady boyfriend.  I had one main boyfriend in high school and he was a good guy.  He was a few years older than me and that was good for me because the boys in my class were goof balls. He didn't even go to my school, he grew up in another nearby town.  It was good because I focused on school and he was not a distraction.  I do not regret having him for a boyfriend for most of that time...  That being said, I tell the girls (and boys) at the high school I work at not to make any serious decisions until you are 25.  I just picked that age because to me it seems like you should be finished with college and maybe on your feet starting life. It turns out that the human brain is not fully mature until age 25.  It's a big deal.  Really it is.  My sister got married when she was 28.  I think that was very smart of her.  She could have had any guy when she was younger.  But the right one came along when she was about 25. 

5.  This is something I did not learn until I was about 35...  "When you say yes to something, you are also saying no to something else.  And you may not even know what that something else is."  This is true for everything to some degree.  Your work, your time, your heart.  When you say yes, be sure you are ready.  Choose wisely.  Seek good advice.  Some decisions will affect your life forever. 

6.  Be brave.  Be independent.  Live by yourself for a while if you can before you get married.  Save some money and go somewhere that is dreamy.  Go with a friend.  Appreciate your youth and soak it up.  It will not come again.

More to follow. 

Belief

I have had a glass of wine on an empty stomach so bear with me here.  :)

This week I have really been challenged to realize what is true and what is belief.  I have had several important times in my life when people did not believe what I told them.  When the kids were babies, there were times that doctors doubted me when I told them what was wrong with Ryan or what Ryan needed to get better.  If anyone knew what he needed, it was me.  If I had not stood up for myself and for him he would not be healthy today. 

In my personal life I have also had to stand up for myself when people doubted me.  I don't know why, but I have.  If people would have listened to me in the first place, and believed me, then those problems would not have grown.  I put my reputation and myself on the line and I think that is enough. I am not perfect, but I am reliable and honest.  As my cousin Mary Lisa said "Lara, you do not have to defend yourself to ME.  I know you."  Thank you ML for saying that.  Those words were a huge relief to me.  Maybe they were the most important words anyone ever said to me.  It was like a weight was off my shoulders. 

This week my neurologist told me that he thinks I am imagining my "new symptoms" ever since I found out about this cyst in my spinal cord.  He is not being mean, but he is telling me what he thinks.  I told him he is wrong.  From the first time I first saw him about my arm hurting and the time I saw my first MRI, 6 to 8 weeks went by.  During that time I did have new serious symptoms and I told several people about my new symptoms.  I remember my feet cramping and my hands feeling like they were bruised.  I remember waiting in the car while Julia practiced for the Nutcracker (in Pampa) and I slept in the car (even though it was 10 degrees outside) because I was so tired.  I told my doctor exactly that but it did not seem to matter to him.  He is frustrated and I am frustrated because we can't find an easy answer.  That's okay, but don't doubt me.  I am honest and I know when it feels like someone has kicked me in the rear end with a work boot or a hot axe is pressing up against my shoulder blades.  The feeling may last 10 to 30 seconds but I know what I feel and I know it is real. When my feet feel like they weigh 20 pounds each in the morning when I wake up, it is real.  They may feel "normal" once I am up and about, but initially, I know they are not normal

If I could wave a magic wand, I would jump out of bed and be fine everyday.  The doctor may not believe that is true, but I know it is true.  I believe in myself and I should.  I am reliable and honest.  And when others haven't had my back, I know God does and that is all I need.  So don't go there.

Compared to what?

I have always been a glass half full kind of person, almost naively so.  I know there are bad things that happen in life but I am not one to focus on negativity.  God handles our worries better than we can.  And when Ryan was little and went through everything he did physically (medically) I learned quickly what is a serious matter and what is not.

We have a great house.  It is not fancy.  The carpet does not look nice, really, but we have carpet.  The furniture is not fancy, but we have furniture.  And I love it.  I am happy everyday when I pull into our driveway, especially when my husband's car is already in the driveway after work.  It is our home. It is safe.  It is big enough for our family and fine with me.  Every night when I go to bed I know where my children are, I know where my husband is and life is good.

Obviously if you are reading this blog you know that I have been having aches and pains caused by this cyst in my spinal cord.  But you know what?  I am still able to do the things that I value most.  I am able to get out of bed and get dressed.  I am able to go to work because I love my job and it is important to my family that I work so we can do the things our children enjoy (sports, dance, clothing, etc...) to a degree.  I love volunteering at my church and worshipping at church and I want to continue doing that and I can!  Yippee!  I may be physically done by 5:00 (or sooner) but that's okay.  Our kids know where the refrigerator is. 

I may hurt when I am doing these things I like to do, but so what.  I am here living the awesome life that God gave me and I am appreciative of it.  In the past 10 months my cousin lost her husband who was 40 years old to a sudden heart attack and my same cousin lost a cousin who was 44 years old to a battle with melanoma that lasted 7 years.  That's close to home for me.

I admit that one of my greatest fears in life is to get "old", primarily to lose my ability to be productive and mobile.  I am already losing some of that ability at 43, much earlier than I thought I would.  I am facing that fear and realizing that the things that we fear are not as bad as we think they are, compared to the alternatives. 

Jonathan Mast preached an excellent sermon this morning on financial peace.  He said a person can be poor and make wise spiritual finanical decisions or a person could be rich and make poor spiritual financial decisions.  Basically, being poor does not make you unwise nor does being rich make you wise.  It is important that we keep our needs and wants in perspective and choose wisely.  It is not the things we have that make us happy, but that we appreciate the things we have that makes us happy.  And that is true for our lives as well, not just our possessions. 

If you ask me how I am doing, I'll be honest and tell you that I might be in pain at that moment.  But to the best of my ability I am going to make wise choices with what I have.  Compared to the alternatives of severe disability or illness, I am good.  And happy.

Philippians 4:4  Rejoice in the Lord always.  I will say it again.  Rejoice!

Philippians 4:11-4:13  I am not saying this because I am in need, for I have learned to be content whatever the circumstances.  I know what it is to be in need, and I know what it is to have plenty.  I have the learned the secret of being content in any and every situation, whether well fed or hungry, whether living in plenty or in want.  I can do everything through him who gives me strength. 

(If you do not have a church home, I recommend that you put the Hillside Christian Church app on your phone.  Or go on-line and listen the the sermons on your computer.  The current sermon series is on marriage.) 

Plan B

Part of human nature is the desire to have some control, to make decisions and achieve the planned outcome.  I also believe that another part of human nature is impatience.  I don't know about you, but those are issues I struggle with every day.  I am flexible and I don't have to be the boss, but as humans, I think the desire for a degree of control (of ourselves) and impatience is innate.  

On my desk at work I used to have a framed quote on my desk.  It said "God answers all prayers.  Sometimes He says "yes".  Sometimes He says "no".  Sometimes he says "are you crazy?" 

I will admit that some of the things I wanted to have control over in my lifetime have not gone the way I really wanted them to go.  In the past my husband and I have had serious stress in our marriage.  Neither of us either discussed divorce.  However, if I had had an easy way out, I would have jumped ship somedays.  I am sure I asked God for "less" of my real life.  I wanted a break-- a degree of freedom that I had not had in years.  I wanted to make choices for ME.  I wanted to do what I wanted to do.  Even if it was just temporary.  When our children were little, I didn't want my life to revolve around working and the responsibilites of being a parent 24 hours a day.  I have always loved my children but I was burned out to the point where if God had given me the option of an open door, I would have walked through it.  I would have lost everything if I had.  God did not give me an open door.  He said "no".  And really, I did not handle it very well.  It took me many years to get over His answer.  It has been a lesson in patience and trust.  Now I am at a point in my life that His answer that seemed to hurt makes complete sense and was perfect.

Again, I am at a point in my life where I have less control than probably ever before.  I have always been a very industrious person.  I was raised to work hard and to "kick the wolf off the porch everyday" as my dad would say.  Taking a break isn't something I have a done a lot of in my life.  Letting myself put my feet up is not easy.  I want my house to be clean and it isn't.  I want to have energy at the end of the day and I don't.

My body is not following directions very well these days.  It's hard for me to get up in the morning.  My muscles hurt.  Once I get going I seem to be okay for a few hours.  By lunch time I start to feel the pain.  I learned a new word today.  "lancinate"  To stab, pierce or lacerate.  It is feeling I have from my neck to my feet at random times throughout the day.  By 4:00 I could almost cry.  If I can get in bed by 6:00 I am alright and I can start over tomorrow.  That's not the life I would ask for if I could control things.  In a way I am back where I was when our kids were little.  My life is definitely being contolled by things bigger than me.  My plan A has turned into His plan.

So instead of wanting to jump ship I am going to rely on what I have learned from previous experience.  I am going to rely on God because even though I don't know if there is a light at the end of this tunnel, I know in time His plan makes perfect sense and is perfect.  It's not easy, but I trust in it.  I really do.

I know a song, Take My World... part of the lyrics go "I lay at Your feet these things I hold, it's easy to believe, but hard to let go.  Be my center, guide my hand, I surrender all that I am." 

I think they apply.

God bless.