Compared to what?

I have always been a glass half full kind of person, almost naively so.  I know there are bad things that happen in life but I am not one to focus on negativity.  God handles our worries better than we can.  And when Ryan was little and went through everything he did physically (medically) I learned quickly what is a serious matter and what is not.

We have a great house.  It is not fancy.  The carpet does not look nice, really, but we have carpet.  The furniture is not fancy, but we have furniture.  And I love it.  I am happy everyday when I pull into our driveway, especially when my husband's car is already in the driveway after work.  It is our home. It is safe.  It is big enough for our family and fine with me.  Every night when I go to bed I know where my children are, I know where my husband is and life is good.

Obviously if you are reading this blog you know that I have been having aches and pains caused by this cyst in my spinal cord.  But you know what?  I am still able to do the things that I value most.  I am able to get out of bed and get dressed.  I am able to go to work because I love my job and it is important to my family that I work so we can do the things our children enjoy (sports, dance, clothing, etc...) to a degree.  I love volunteering at my church and worshipping at church and I want to continue doing that and I can!  Yippee!  I may be physically done by 5:00 (or sooner) but that's okay.  Our kids know where the refrigerator is. 

I may hurt when I am doing these things I like to do, but so what.  I am here living the awesome life that God gave me and I am appreciative of it.  In the past 10 months my cousin lost her husband who was 40 years old to a sudden heart attack and my same cousin lost a cousin who was 44 years old to a battle with melanoma that lasted 7 years.  That's close to home for me.

I admit that one of my greatest fears in life is to get "old", primarily to lose my ability to be productive and mobile.  I am already losing some of that ability at 43, much earlier than I thought I would.  I am facing that fear and realizing that the things that we fear are not as bad as we think they are, compared to the alternatives. 

Jonathan Mast preached an excellent sermon this morning on financial peace.  He said a person can be poor and make wise spiritual finanical decisions or a person could be rich and make poor spiritual financial decisions.  Basically, being poor does not make you unwise nor does being rich make you wise.  It is important that we keep our needs and wants in perspective and choose wisely.  It is not the things we have that make us happy, but that we appreciate the things we have that makes us happy.  And that is true for our lives as well, not just our possessions. 

If you ask me how I am doing, I'll be honest and tell you that I might be in pain at that moment.  But to the best of my ability I am going to make wise choices with what I have.  Compared to the alternatives of severe disability or illness, I am good.  And happy.

Philippians 4:4  Rejoice in the Lord always.  I will say it again.  Rejoice!

Philippians 4:11-4:13  I am not saying this because I am in need, for I have learned to be content whatever the circumstances.  I know what it is to be in need, and I know what it is to have plenty.  I have the learned the secret of being content in any and every situation, whether well fed or hungry, whether living in plenty or in want.  I can do everything through him who gives me strength. 

(If you do not have a church home, I recommend that you put the Hillside Christian Church app on your phone.  Or go on-line and listen the the sermons on your computer.  The current sermon series is on marriage.) 

Plan B

Part of human nature is the desire to have some control, to make decisions and achieve the planned outcome.  I also believe that another part of human nature is impatience.  I don't know about you, but those are issues I struggle with every day.  I am flexible and I don't have to be the boss, but as humans, I think the desire for a degree of control (of ourselves) and impatience is innate.  

On my desk at work I used to have a framed quote on my desk.  It said "God answers all prayers.  Sometimes He says "yes".  Sometimes He says "no".  Sometimes he says "are you crazy?" 

I will admit that some of the things I wanted to have control over in my lifetime have not gone the way I really wanted them to go.  In the past my husband and I have had serious stress in our marriage.  Neither of us either discussed divorce.  However, if I had had an easy way out, I would have jumped ship somedays.  I am sure I asked God for "less" of my real life.  I wanted a break-- a degree of freedom that I had not had in years.  I wanted to make choices for ME.  I wanted to do what I wanted to do.  Even if it was just temporary.  When our children were little, I didn't want my life to revolve around working and the responsibilites of being a parent 24 hours a day.  I have always loved my children but I was burned out to the point where if God had given me the option of an open door, I would have walked through it.  I would have lost everything if I had.  God did not give me an open door.  He said "no".  And really, I did not handle it very well.  It took me many years to get over His answer.  It has been a lesson in patience and trust.  Now I am at a point in my life that His answer that seemed to hurt makes complete sense and was perfect.

Again, I am at a point in my life where I have less control than probably ever before.  I have always been a very industrious person.  I was raised to work hard and to "kick the wolf off the porch everyday" as my dad would say.  Taking a break isn't something I have a done a lot of in my life.  Letting myself put my feet up is not easy.  I want my house to be clean and it isn't.  I want to have energy at the end of the day and I don't.

My body is not following directions very well these days.  It's hard for me to get up in the morning.  My muscles hurt.  Once I get going I seem to be okay for a few hours.  By lunch time I start to feel the pain.  I learned a new word today.  "lancinate"  To stab, pierce or lacerate.  It is feeling I have from my neck to my feet at random times throughout the day.  By 4:00 I could almost cry.  If I can get in bed by 6:00 I am alright and I can start over tomorrow.  That's not the life I would ask for if I could control things.  In a way I am back where I was when our kids were little.  My life is definitely being contolled by things bigger than me.  My plan A has turned into His plan.

So instead of wanting to jump ship I am going to rely on what I have learned from previous experience.  I am going to rely on God because even though I don't know if there is a light at the end of this tunnel, I know in time His plan makes perfect sense and is perfect.  It's not easy, but I trust in it.  I really do.

I know a song, Take My World... part of the lyrics go "I lay at Your feet these things I hold, it's easy to believe, but hard to let go.  Be my center, guide my hand, I surrender all that I am." 

I think they apply.

God bless. 



Yada Yada Yada

Here I am writing this blog.  Do I think I have great original thoughts?  Not really.  I don't think anyone really does.  I think that everything that has been thought has been thought before, in some form.  But I do enjoy writing and some people who have read my writing have told me I should write a book and I have unique opinions about things.  Usually people say I should write a book about having triplets, especially what it was like to raise Ryan.  I don't have the willpower to write a book.  I have the willpower to spend 20 minutes writing this blog.  That's about it.  So, here is my contribution to the word bank of the world.  There is way too much information out there for us to process on a daily basis already.  I'll throw my 2 cents in but I don't expect much from it.  Be that as it may... as my dad would say.  :)

My words and thoughts are not new, like I said before.  Not too original, not earth shattering.  Yada-Yada-Yada. 

My over-all life experiences aren't that different than most others either.  I have 3 kids, I'm married, I work full-time.  We have a busy normal life.  Last week was difficult because I had a spinal tap.  I really wouldn't wish that on anyone.  The procedure itself was uncomfortable but it only lasted about 30 minutes.  The terrible headaches afterward were the worst part.  I had those off and on for 5 days.  I had to stay in bed, basically flat on my back, for that whole time.  That is not easy for a busy mom who is used to taking care of things everyday.

The initial spinal tap results show no sign of cancer (since I have this cyst in my spinal cord).  I am going to have to wait a week to see if there are any signs of MS.  Honestly, I feel that will be negative.  I think my symptoms are purely related to this rare occurance of this cyst and it is treatable or endurable and will not change my life significantly.  I may not go skydiving in my lifetime because of it, but I wasn't planning on it anyway.  :)

 Everyone living has a limitation of some kind, whether it is temporary or permanent. We may all be different, but we are also all alike.  Our stories are valuable, but they are also all the same in basic ways. Since we are all adults, we have all had broken hearts, we have all had financial pressures of some kind, we have all experienced unexpected circumstances that put us in a bind and caused serious stress.

These common circumstances we all live through reminds me of this verse:  (please excuse the additions) 

1st Corinthians 10:13 

"No temptation (pain/hardship) has overtaken you that is not common to man.  God IS FAITHFUL and He will NOT let you be tempted (hurt) beyond your ability but with the temptation (pain/hardship), He will also provide a way of escape (relief/support) that you may be able to endure it." 

So here I am with my non-original thoughts with my non-original problems but that is good.  It means we are not alone.  We have each other to have understanding and empathy.  We have God to lean on because He is faithful and He also understands.  He knows our problems and he wants us to come to Him with them.  Whether they are big or small.  Whether they are common or unique.  Whether we think He wants to hear them or not, He does.  It might sound like Yada-Yada-Yada to us, but He listens and He hears every word and thought we bring to Him.

Penny Jar

Curtis and I have a piggy bank and we save our change in it all year and at Christmas we give the piggy bank to one of our kids.  It's a nice treat for them and kind of a spin on a family tradition.  My grandfather saved his money in a piggy bank and every year gave it to one of his grandchildren at Christmas. We never knew who was going to get it and it was always a surprise.  It always had a good amount of money in it, too.  It was awesome to get the piggy bank. 

So, Curtis and I do save our change in the piggy bank, except we put our pennies, and pennies only, in a separate jar.  It is for something special in the future.  Julia may decide to get married some day and it is our "savings" for that.  It may not add up to a lot, but it will be something and that's better than nothing. I have asked a few family members to do the same, to save their pennies for Julia.  It's kind of fun.  I find pennies in the oddest places and it makes me happy to find them.  I think of them as "pennies from heaven" to provide for us.  A penny is nice.  A nickel or a dime is a even better.  It's 5 times or 10 times the blessing. 

Curtis and I are on a tight budget every month and I sometimes worry about how we will afford the things that our kids need in the future.  They will be 16 this year and I have no idea how we will manage that, but things have always worked out.  One thing I have learned through the whole triplet experience is that GOD PROVIDES.  We have to be responsible and good stewards of what He gives us but he will not let us down.  We might have hard times and we might have to go without when we don't want to, but He has always taken care of us in the most amazing ways. 

When I had my first sonogram and there were triplets, my first thought was "What have we done?!?"  I was scared to death.  I would obviously have to quit my job, which I had not planned on as a new mother.  And Curtis is a teacher and a coach and his salary is okay, but we would not be able to afford what we need with babies on just his salary.  Quitting my job cut our income in half.  Our medical expenses with the pregnancy and triplets were outrageous.  I don't know an exact number, but I would estimate with my pregnancy and the medical costs for the triplets in the first two years, the total is probably 2 million dollars.  I'm serious.  Half of that was Ryan on his own. 

But I am telling you, God provided.  Most of our medical expenses were covered and our income was supplemented by a special program that Ryan qualified for because he was considered seriously disabled as a baby.  We did not want Ryan to be sick, but considering the cirumstances, we could not have planned it better.  God took care of every financial need we had at that time without us having to do much at all. 

Since I am having some unexpected medical expenses lately I'm a little nervous about paying the extra bills.  Not panicked, but nervous.  But I know without doubt that it will work out.  How?  I'm not sure.  I have a general idea.  How will we pay for these kids and their car expenses?  College?  Like I said, in earlier circumstances, we could not have planned it better and God has it figured out.  He is mighty to save.  He is in control. 

I was doing laundry today and specifically thinking about the bills and the expensive tests I am having run.  How will they turn out?  In the washing machine I find a nickel which may seem like an ordinary thing, but to me it is a reminder that God has it covered. 

1st post January 11 2012

Last night I was laying in bed trying to sleep but wide awake.  It was well after midnight and my husband was snoring quietly beside me.  The past few days have been an unusual, bumpy ride.  Monday I went to the orthopedist to find out what my recent MRI looked like.  It wasn't good.  The doctor wasn't sure what my problem was but he was very quiet.  He said it could be a few different things but something is wrong with my spinal cord.  He said I would need to go back to the neurologist and have more tests.  Tuesday I have five more MRI's and I see the neurologist.  The initial guess was that either I had a tumor in my spinal cord or I had the early stages of MS.

In between Monday and Tuesday I have a lot of thoughts.  I thought about my faith in God and his provision.  I have said before that even if I lost everything, I would still trust him and believe in him.  If he takes care of the birds and the flowers, and I am more valuable, then he will take care of me.  The bible says that.  And it is true.  Hebrews 10:23 is my favorite verse.  It is says "Let us hold unswervingly to the faith we profess because he who promises is faithful." Do I believe he will take away whatever is wrong with me?  I don't believe he has to.  I do believe that eternally I am spoken for. 

In between Monday and Tuesday I also think about my kids and their futures.  I just want to be there for every bit of it.  It is like I am really awake like never before.  I want to listen to Ryan talk about wrestling even though I never know what he is talking about.  I want to listen to Mason and Julia to talk about their lives.  I want to go get Julia at dance when she is done even though I have made that drive 1000 times.  I just want to be present.  I want the quality of my time with them to be at it's maximum.  Every day.  Even if we are cleaning house or working on homework. 

To change the subject for just a minute... One of my favorite movies EVER is Thelma and Louise. It's not a "good ending" but it is a surprise ending and it emphasises the brevity of life. Towards the end of the movie there is a part where Thelma asks Louise if she is awake.  Louise says "Guess you could call it that, my eyes are open."  Thelma says with emphasis "I'm awake, too.  I don't ever remember feeling this awake." I know what Thelma means when she says that. Her senses are heightened and she is fully aware of the beauty around her. The gift of the ability to be awake is our provision. 

Tuesday afternoon I am back at the neurologist's office and he has relatively good news.  It is not MS or a tumor, but it is a rare condition in my upper spinal cord.  It is called cervical syringomyelia.  It is a cyst that puts pressure on my spinal cord and causes numbness, pain and fatigue.  It is not fun, but it is not life threatening. 

Today is Wednesday and life seems to be sliding back into normalacy.  I got a wake up call and I am thankful for it.  I am thankful for the pain, because it could be worse. It is an everyday reminder to be really awake.