1st post January 11 2012

Last night I was laying in bed trying to sleep but wide awake.  It was well after midnight and my husband was snoring quietly beside me.  The past few days have been an unusual, bumpy ride.  Monday I went to the orthopedist to find out what my recent MRI looked like.  It wasn't good.  The doctor wasn't sure what my problem was but he was very quiet.  He said it could be a few different things but something is wrong with my spinal cord.  He said I would need to go back to the neurologist and have more tests.  Tuesday I have five more MRI's and I see the neurologist.  The initial guess was that either I had a tumor in my spinal cord or I had the early stages of MS.

In between Monday and Tuesday I have a lot of thoughts.  I thought about my faith in God and his provision.  I have said before that even if I lost everything, I would still trust him and believe in him.  If he takes care of the birds and the flowers, and I am more valuable, then he will take care of me.  The bible says that.  And it is true.  Hebrews 10:23 is my favorite verse.  It is says "Let us hold unswervingly to the faith we profess because he who promises is faithful." Do I believe he will take away whatever is wrong with me?  I don't believe he has to.  I do believe that eternally I am spoken for. 

In between Monday and Tuesday I also think about my kids and their futures.  I just want to be there for every bit of it.  It is like I am really awake like never before.  I want to listen to Ryan talk about wrestling even though I never know what he is talking about.  I want to listen to Mason and Julia to talk about their lives.  I want to go get Julia at dance when she is done even though I have made that drive 1000 times.  I just want to be present.  I want the quality of my time with them to be at it's maximum.  Every day.  Even if we are cleaning house or working on homework. 

To change the subject for just a minute... One of my favorite movies EVER is Thelma and Louise. It's not a "good ending" but it is a surprise ending and it emphasises the brevity of life. Towards the end of the movie there is a part where Thelma asks Louise if she is awake.  Louise says "Guess you could call it that, my eyes are open."  Thelma says with emphasis "I'm awake, too.  I don't ever remember feeling this awake." I know what Thelma means when she says that. Her senses are heightened and she is fully aware of the beauty around her. The gift of the ability to be awake is our provision. 

Tuesday afternoon I am back at the neurologist's office and he has relatively good news.  It is not MS or a tumor, but it is a rare condition in my upper spinal cord.  It is called cervical syringomyelia.  It is a cyst that puts pressure on my spinal cord and causes numbness, pain and fatigue.  It is not fun, but it is not life threatening. 

Today is Wednesday and life seems to be sliding back into normalacy.  I got a wake up call and I am thankful for it.  I am thankful for the pain, because it could be worse. It is an everyday reminder to be really awake.