I have been thinking about this blog for a long time. I don't want it to come across as negative or sad because that is not my intent. It is about faith and trust. Real faith. Real trust. When the rubber hits the road.
It was mid January, just about 2 months ago. I had found out I have this cyst in my spinal cord and I was scheduled for a spinal tap on Monday, January 16th. It was Friday, the 13th actually, and I could not take Motrin like I was used to for my pain. I had to switch to Tylenol due to my upcoming spinal tap. I quickly found out that Tylenol did not help one bit. By Friday on my way home from work I was in tears due to the pain. I walked in my house at 4:30 and I was already bawling. I hurried to my room and locked the door and just cried and cried. The kids hollered at me through the door and asked if I was okay and asked if they needed to call daddy.
I was crying for my pain and for my future that I was not going to have. This pain that sometimes feels like knives is not anything I had ever fathomed for my future. I have plans. You know? I have a lot to do. I am young. We have 3 fifteen year olds and we are busy. I want to get my doctorate some day. I need to clean my house. At that moment in the pain I basically considered my life over for all intent and purposes. I wasn't ready for that. That's what made me cry.
Well who is ready for that... no one is ready for that. In 2 days it will be one year since my cousin's husband died at age 40 of a sudden heart attack. She hurried home when she realized something was wrong and had to administer CPR. They have a 5 year old. Eric wasn't ready for his life to be over. No way. He was an avid golfer, an astronomer, enjoyed a good beer and loved his family as much as anyone possibly could. Lee Anne wasn't ready for his life to be over. Neither of them had one moment's notice. Lee Anne did not know their different account numbers, passwords... If Eric had had one day's notice he would have written that down for her. He would have done a lot of things. I am sure he had hopes and goals for his life, for Lee Anne, for Rustin.
I've gotten my pain about 50% under control. I have about 50% of my life, my regular thing. I am the lucky one. I have some time to think about "what if?" That is a gift. To be really awake and really ponder life. I have been reading a book Wolf Hall by Hilary Mantel. It is about King Henry VIII and his advisors. There is a religious advisor, the all powerful Cardinal Woolsey. In the book there is a line "Woolsey can't imagine a world without Woolsey". I think we can all relate to that. Maybe we should think about it and appreciate it.
Hopefully in a few weeks after I see my new doctor in Dallas the percentages of my life will improve. I'm praying they will. Either way, in the past few months I have come to accept a few things. 1. Whether I am ready or not, I am ready. My house may not be clean. I may be young. But I am good to go. I know where I am headed. 2. My future dreams may not come true, but my dreams are in front of me and I am blessed. 3. We are like hearts in the sand.
What else is there in life? Where the rubber meets the road, to be ready. To be thankful from the bottom of your heart and to say it was all good as it could be.
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